Laurel Canyon, 2002
Let it be known that “I Often Wonder” is a title I did not spend a lot of time with. I do say it…often and had subconsciously agreed to a combination of Diana Vreeland’s “Why Don’t You…” and Carrie Bradshaw’s closing credits, but wound up here. Laughable because the song is sung by a group of romantics, of which I definitely am, by a band called The Academics, which I am most definitely not.
We begin!
I spent Valentines Day listening to James Taylor’s “Shower the People” on repeat because that’s my particular brand of emotional processing and was feeling shockingly grateful. Poor weather had cancelled a plan to discuss trademarks with my dad and I wound up passing single men on similar all-this-energy-with-nowhere-to-go walks, or so I deemed them. Convinced each one was hoping for a stop sign meet-cute of which I would be shocked, I turned my focus to wondering if Taylor was the first to say, “make it rain,” on an album. Because I have the Greatest Hits, also on brand and will never be admitted in person, February 14th, 2021 was my first time seeing this particular cover and now I will never forget it.
In the Pocket, 1976
I find myself launching a newsletter for a myriad of reasons — fear, community, the desire to have something to revisit in years with a swollen heart of embarrassment and empathy, accountability of output, creative credibility and a desperate need to feel recognized for my nuance (ego).
The above is a screenshot from a thread with my in-house consultant, who we will call CM, and now I find myself wondering if people ever text themselves — faking dialogue — to be posted for others to see? Please don’t do that.
Here you’ll find YouTube videos, old advertisements, conversations about memory and clothing, playlists, and whatever else it is I’m using to make sense of both myself and what’s going on around us. So much of which we’ve seen before and can’t seem to have compassion for, much less learn from.
Welcome! My name is Claire. My friends call me, Clurrrr, when they’re hyper and I don’t really think I want y’all to address me in such a way. I’m a loyalist and would need to build to that dynamic, which would be genuinely cool if we did.
“I Often Wonder” will land in your inbox every other week, with photos of young Harrison Ford arriving somewhere in between. There are zero plans for it to become an emotional graveyard or destination selling essential oils, but I’m glad you’re here and hope that’s why. Also things can change.
I’ve been —
Watching: The way George Clooney looks at Regina King
I’m a sucker for visible admiration.
Listening: Liquid Mind
I sought out Neurofeedback a year and a half ago in hopes of gaining access to my childhood memories, maneuver through anxiety and some stored depression, but mainly because I wanted to be someone who did such things. My best friend worked in a clinic, which meant I benefitted for free and was the only way such a treatment could be possible. Liquid Mind was the designated music playing in the background of my beeping headphones. I still find it very calming, sans beep.
Reading: Swing Time by Zadie Smith
A gift from a friend with whom I’ve since lost contact and used to live around the corner from Book Court in Brooklyn and still might. Her Christmas card is my placeholder. I’m loving it so far, despite it being over 400 pages, which usually deters.
Eyeing: Legitimately any kind of mirror
…that is different than the one I own because I’ve decided to hate it.
Doing: Virtual vintage markets with my friends
Plus deep breathing exercises and re-learning how to build a fire because I seem to have lost the touch and so desperately wish to be camping alone. Say what you will.
Not Doing: Dates, coffee in the mornings, or slowing the flow of red wine from box to glass.
Things remain chaotic and also generally fine for me, but not most.
Cooking: Bone broth!
I’ve been battling some pretty intense health issues for the better part of two years thanks to consuming bad water at some point, somewhere. Both COVID and my body required me to come to a complete halt in the last year (for the last year). Bone broth makes me feel good, but also hungry? Like after you eat an apple full-hungry? Anyways, I'm working on getting more flavor into my potion. Recipes welcome.
You can expect a disappointment letter to wooden clogs shortly, but to tide you over here is one of my favorite looks from Marc Jacobs’ 2017 Spring show —
I cannot imagine what it would feel like to look this good without fear of stepping on a pebble and the day/life ending.
If it suits you, reply. I do miss human interaction beyond my own volition.