Either Turn or Cut Off Your Blinker

"The worst you can say all about me is that I'm never satisfied."

Janis Joplin at Big Brother and the Holding Company’s rehearsal space by Bob Seidemann

Leaving New York was the first time I prioritized my needs, wants even, over what made rational sense. I was somewhere between Utah and California, spinning in more ways than one, when I heard her come screaming through my speakers begging for similar validation —

Don't you know how hard it is,
Trying to live all alone?
Every day I keep trying to move forward
But something is driving me, oh, back
Honey, something's trying to hold on to me
To my way of life

So don't you forget me down here, Lord
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
Ah, ah, don't you forget me, Lord

Well I don't think I'm any very special
Kind of person down here, I know better
But I don't think you're gonna find anybody
Not anybody who could say that they tried like I tried
The worst you can say all about me
Is that I'm never satisfied.

Work Me, Lord — 1969

To yell is the only option.

Identifying with much of her inner dialogue and deeply envious of the two weeks she spent on a train across Canada, I cherish Janis Joplin most for providing a place to feel my own desperation. It’s a place because I travel to reach it, this alternate state.

Similar to judgement, desperation is a quality I’m told to avoid, as if it couldn’t be beneficial.

With piercing horns and a crescendo of repetition (borrowed from Otis Redding while tripping on LSD), I’m validated in Joplin’s willingness to express conviction at varying volumes. Replace her wish for a partner with my wish of a paying creative job and she’s got my number.

Don’t we all recognize the feeling of, “Good God, let this bet on myself be right.” We do the adult thing and double check, “Based on gut feeling? It must be right. This might even be my purpose or person? I don’t think I’m deserving of special treatment, but I’m also desperate for someone to recognize how hard it is to do things differently than those around me. To do things differently than I’ve done before. Please don’t give up on me before I reap the benefits. There are benefits coming, right?”

Sigh. This week was hard. This pandemic is hard. It feels like sitting behind a car that won’t turn. Her music has helped me get so angry at that car. More willing to express my convictions at varying volumes.

I’ve got no answers other than to yell alongside her, desperation very much intact.

If you can, be thankful for days filled with effort and decisiveness, and extra gracious with the days that aren’t.

**Side note of interest —

I’ve been —

Watching: Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Her

I would give my left arm for Holly Hunter and her ability to pull off saying things like, “I’m not big on regret.” So I found myself here during the week long ice storm with my makeshift iMAX theater.

One Night In Miami honorable mention because if there was ever a narrative to catch my attention it would be that those four men used to “hang out.”

Listening: You mean other than Janis and my spiraled thoughts?

Broken Record so I can hear Rick Rubin say, “Beautiful.”

Reading: McKinsey’s 2021 Report on the State of Fashion

But that’s too long for both you and me.

As I continue my work towards understanding how the apparel industry, sustainability, and human behavior’s wish for escapism intersect, there has been a lot of research saved to this desktop.

I particularly enjoyed:

— Watching this conversation produced by Selfridges trying to answer the question, “Now what?”

— Loosely doubting, but reviewing-with-hope the list of businesses to sign the Fashion Pact thus far.

— Skimming 2PM’s article on what the industry can learn from crises in the past. That ^^^ sounds like athleisure, remote jobs, and very precise Instagram bios if you ask me. In turn, I’ve cancelled my plans for this evening so I can re-watch the Ralph Lauren documentary.

Eyeing: Flights to Sedona

Someone get me in a hot spring with my friends, no babies, and our airline miles zeroed out.

Doing: Learning how to trademark without an attorney

Then deciding to only do one at a time because it costs a minimum of $250 for each category of clothing. By that I mean if I register a trademark for men’s skirts, I then have to pay $250-350 each time I want to add socks, jackets, or pajamas. Just the one will do for now.

Not Doing: Standing in Post Office lines

Why is everyone and their entire family shipping packages these days? If I was tender-hearted towards inconvenient situations I guess this could be seen as a spike in human connection or thoughtfulness. I’ve left every time.

Cooking: Beets

Overarchingly confused as to why I added this section because that’s the best I’ve got.

I Leave You With This:

Tracksmith’s Lookbook really works.

I love and loathe that someone knew an image without a product in sight would sell me not only on shorts, but on running as a whole just by looking at it. Its landing page looks like the inside of my eyelids at 3pm. Every day. And there’s a baby jack rabbit in the spread for god’s sake!

What are some things “working” for you right now?

Until next time.